The Desert

These days, I feel like I am in the desert. It’s hot and uncomfortable. Food is hard to find, water even harder, and shelter nearly non-existent. I am crying out to God and still the trials come. His voice is faint. Most days I am unable to hear it over the wind whipping through the dunes.

My soul wonders what He is doing, what His plan and purpose is for this. I am being stretched in every direction. Changes have hit my life over and over again. And still He isn’t done.

I steady and brace myself for the next hurdle. Praying all the while that He deliver me from the desert. I know it’s coming. The oasis may be over the next dune or just past the next cactus. And so I keep going.

 

“Because he loves me”

Last night at life group we read Psalm 91. One verse really stood out to me.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.” ~ Psalm 91:14

Life right now is not as simple as it used to be. Jobs are scarce. It is becoming harder and harder to pay the bills and the Church is constantly under attack. But we know that God is there for us. He will provide for us and protect us. Not because of some amazing act of kindness we have done, or because of a huge accomplishment.

He is there because we love Him, because we have called upon His name.

There is no pressure to do some outstanding thing to win His love. We just need to love Him the way that He already loves us. And then the rest will come.

 

Heaven’s Back Patio

I just got home from life group about an hour ago. I’m blown away. It was soooo amazing. The word amazing itself does not do the night justice. Heaven totally came crashing down into the Gafner’s back porch.

There was fellowship, prayer, breaking of bread, and worship. We shared joy and pain, and God was there. He moved. Single parents took a stand and another sister was even baptized.

I was reminded of something Nate said on Sunday: If you devote yourself to an Acts 2:42 life, Acts will happen. And with that, the inheritance we are promised, the Kingdom of God, will be experienced here and now. Heaven on Earth. Because in that moment, I was no longer sitting in Sean and Rebecca’s back yard, but I was there on Heaven’s back patio.

And that is where I want to stay.

 

Acts 2:42

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

It has been two days since Nate preached on this verse and it is still blowing my mind. Something is happening.

God is working. Right here. Right now.

And I want to be a part of that. I don’t want to be just a Sunday christian. I want my life, everyday of it, to be for Him. I want to be breathing life into those around me.

And the amazing thing is, He wants to use me. I just have to let Him.

 

Musings

I’m taking today
Because you asked me to
Looking into the sun
Past the bright blue lights
Searching for promises I can’t see

I’m fighting the temptation
To turn and walk away
This isn’t what I asked for
Not what I imagined

But I’m stronger than this
It can’t last forever
A silver lining sure to come

And so I’ll wait through today
I’ll hold on past tomorrow
It has to end sometime
And when it does
I’ll still be standing

 

When God Dreams

Today was the final day of the When God Dreams conference. It was amazing. My head has been knocked off its axis completely.

God is a dreamer. A BIG dreamer. And He is sharing those dreams with His children, with me. And this conference affirmed a few of them:

• Launch a blog focusing on Redding and the surrounding areas. Community. Culture. Creativity. Compassion
• Finish writing a book I’ve been working on
• Earn my M.F.A. in Creative Writing
• Share writing as a coping method for At-Risk youth

I am excited to see where this goes. And a little scared as well. But the joy is, they’re not my dreams, they are His. I just get to help.

 

They Like Me

They really like me. Okay, maybe they is a strong word, but  at least Carleen over at Life, Liberty, and Good Coffee does.

She has chosen to honor my blog with the Premio Dardos (that’s Prize Darts in Italian) Award. This award is given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing.

If I ever thought that my personal ramblings were a waste of cyberspace, those thoughts are long gone now. Yes, world. I am here to stay. So, Carleen, my blog thanks you.

Per bloggie award regulations, it is now my turn to pass it on. This is not something I take lightly and shall thus think on it for sometime. Of course, I could be persuaded with delectable treats and unique trinkets… like a gnome. I really want a gnome

 

Life Before Podcasts

What a sad world. I am not going to think about it.

I just finished listening to an amazing podcast. Expression58. Your Life with Shawn & Sally. They were talking with actress Amy Janae. You should listen to it.

Maybe it is because our stories are similar, an understanding because of battling sickness. But this totally blew my mind. Even now, I am sitting here trying to find a way to articulate what my cramped brain has been processing. So much of what she said mirrors my own thoughts. For many years I struggled with feeling that my sickness and speed bumps in life were because my faith wasn’t strong enough. I even remember when I was dealing with paralysis in 2007, people telling me that if I just believed stronger that this wouldn’t happen to me.

Lately, part of me has even thought if it has been a lack of faith that has attributed to my struggle with finding work and a place to live. That maybe if I just had more faith, that things would go smoother. That if I quit crying out to God about how difficult it is, about how frustrating life has been lately, that the tide would turn. I often feel guilty, childish, and alone.

Listening to Amy talk on this podcast, reminded me of how wrong this thinking is. God doesn’t mind me crying out to Him. He doesn’t mind me being frustrated and telling Him all about it. He welcomes it. Christ himself, even dealt with this. She brought up the story of Jesus in Gethsemane in Matthew 26. And how in verse 38 Jesus tells His disciples that His soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Further on in the passage, He pleads with His Father to take this cup from Him, not just once but 3 times!

Hebrews 5:7 says, “While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears to the one who could rescue Him from death. And God heard his prayers because of his deep reverence for God.”

We have been told that in this world we will have struggles. But also that we should welcome those struggles because they will test our faith and develop perseverance and maturity. I know that at times, life will be hard. And I know that my God will be there. And when I am face down on the floor, crying out to Him, He will catch my tears.

Even more, I know that there is a reason for this. I may not see it. But He is working. And what He is doing is so much better than what I could ever do. So, I will shed my tears, laugh in happiness, vent in frustration. But my heart’s cry is this

Lord, may your will be done.

 

Storyboard[ing]

storyboard from ABC's Castle

I watched an episode of ABC’s new show Castle, and I must say I am jealous of the writer character already. He has an amazing storyboard/flow chart program that I would love to have.

Unlike the flow charts I am used to, it has drop down menu capabilities. Of course this may have been something mocked up strictly for the show, but still. I want it.

Any suggestions of  flow chart/storyboard programs? I like to be able to visualize my plot and characters. In the past, I have been known to map out my manuscripts on any writable surface (mirrors, white boards, the refrigerator). Alas, I just don’t have the space for several whiteboards.

Big problem.

 

Oh, Yeah!

Today didn’t start out quite like I had anticipated. If you talked with me at all in the last week, you know that I was excited for today. I was supposed to have orientation for work. In fact, it is one year exactly since I last worked. Crazy, right? Well… the days sort of got confused, and orientation isn’t until next Saturday. I’ll admit, I was a bit bummed. I am super excited to go back to work.

So, I get back home and am talking with God.

God, I’m kind of a bit bummed. I have been stoked about this day all week and it didn’t go as planned. Could you give me something to be excited about?

I continue on with my day. Landscaping, allergy attacks, the contemplation of gouging my eyes out and chopping off my nose. And then God answers my prayer. He gave me one of these:

Yep. A friend of mine called and told me that he had an extra ticket and thought of me first (Thanks again, Derek. You’re amazing). Woo Hoo! Talk about something to be excited about. The only way to describe this concert is EPIC. Third Day, Brandon Heath, and Revive. I didn’t even know they were in town!

My God rocks… and rolls… and likes to make me smile by giving me concert tickets.